Batman Porn Story: Whos Using Who – Chapter 5

Dr.
Crane slammed the laboratory door shut and hung up his coat. He
rubbed his left bandaged cheek and turned to find his partner halfway
through the small door of a gas chamber. What are you doing,
Jarvis? He asked

Well,
I Thud! Ow… Jarvis slowly backed out of the small
opening and rubbed his head. Well, if you must know, I was
retrieving my hat.

First,
why exactly was you prized head wear in my vat of Fear Toxin and
second WHAT
HAPPENED TO MY FEAR TOXIN?!
He shouted.

Her
majesty dropped by and, quite literally, brought an axe to your dear
vapor vat. He answered. He stepped aside to show the fire escape
axe was lodged in the bent metal of the vats walls.

Did
you tell her that was full?!

Oh,
Jarvis looked away and start twiddling his thumbs. It may have
slipped out when she was
strangling me!

How
could you do this to me?

Hold
that thought…. Jarvis quickly said. He turned back around and
went back inside the gas vat, muttering and fumbling around before
emerging with his bright green top hat and placing it squarely on his
head. You were saying, Jonathan?

I
thought we were partners! Crane yelled Do you know how long it
will take me to make a new batch!?

Well,
excuse me for valuing my life over your plans. Jarvis answered
Honestly, I prefer my head on my shoulders, not underneath the
guillotine, my friend. Crane groaned. Why was he the only man with
the spine to stand up to an oppressive woman? Youre treading in
the Queens castle and no good can come for that.

Dont
tell me youre backing out of our little plan. Jonathan warned.

No,
no, no! Jarvis answered quickly. Of course not, never! I just
think you shouldnt agitate Alice and bring ourselves to her
attention. Crane had walked to his workstation and paused to
listen.

A
very good point. He finally muttered.

Yes!
You see, people would rather walk into still waters then rough, even
though both can hide a crocodile.

You
make these phrases up or it there some Big Book of Zen-like
Phrases for the Mad Scientist youre hiding in your desk?
Crane asked with a laugh. Still, you make a good point. On more
personal news, Scar wanted me to quit now that Im not needed there
for her plan. Less time in that rat heap, the better…

She
certainly knows what she wants and when. Jarvis added.

And
once she succeeds at Arkham, we shall make her fall.

—

I
hope you didnt mind having to pick me up at home. Scarlet asked
Penguin kindly. I slept in today, on the day you gain your
freedom.

The
woman now dressed in a long slick white dress, her posse of muscled
men and the newly sane Oswald were in Scarlets black limo as it
drove through Gotham. They had spent awhile at the mansion where
Scarlet, hoping to keep the man from bailing on her, had told Penguin
she had a surprise for him only she could show him. Reluctantly,
Penguin had agreed and now regretted the long drive to the other side
of town.

I
just want to know what you got me. He muttered, arms crossed over
his chest in a pout. Then I leave, got that?

Oh,
please. Scarlet put her arm around Penguins neck and leaned
gently against his chest. Dont go. After I got your sanity and
freedom back, you still want to leave me?

Im
not much of a team player… He said. That and a woman that
somehow knows exactly what hes doing was very disturbing to him.
Scarlet put a finger against Penguins long nose and turned his
head with it so he was looking into her bright green eyes.

Please,
Big Bubba? She softly pleaded, looking into his deep blue eyes
For me? I dont wanna have to go back to dating Bruce Wayne.

Wayne?!
Penguin squawked Im twice the man Wayne is!

At
half the height. Buckshot laughed.

When
did Boss date Bruce Wayne? Zeke whispered to his son.

She
didnt. Bart answered.

Lady,
Penguin said smirking youre better off dating a Vulture then a
Wayne. And I can set you up on a date with a Vulture to prove it!

I
dont wanna date a Vulture, I want to date you.
Scarlet admitted.

You
really mean that? He asked a bit suspiciously.

I
wouldnt lie to you. Scarlet cooed gently in his ear before
resting her chin on his shoulder.

Penguin
put his hands behind his head and said Well, I cant blame you.
The Cobblepots are always a prized catch. So filled with pride,
Oswald didnt even hear the other men pretending to vomit in
disgust.

So
youll stay? Scarlet asked.

That
depends on if I like your gift or not. Ozzy teased. A beautiful
rich woman falling into his arms, willing to buy his way out of
Arkham? Sure, she was a bit clingy and her background was sketchy at
best, but until he found someone better, hed gladly be in a
relationship with her. Plus, she didnt really seem to know when he
wanted to be left alone.

Of
course, the door opening made Penguin realize the limo had stopped
and how early it had gotten dark tonight. Scarlet gracefully slid out
of the car with Penguin close behind. He stopped halfway out the
door, mouth dropped open.

On
the two-story restaurants front was the words The
Iceberg Lounge
in large white letters against the building aqua blue coloring. A
line of fancy dress patrons was lined up all the way outside the door
and a ways down the block. Scarlet smiled, before closing Penguins
mouth for him. Hope you like your present, Ozzy.

Scarlet,
honey, youre the greatest. He answered I own this?

Technically,
you dont own this, but perhaps youd like to be the manager and
rake up the profits for your pay?

Thats
perfect! Penguin jumped out of the car. A place this busy and hed
pocket the profits? Already, the relationship was, literally, paying
off.

Scarlet
held out her arm, but frowned that Penguin was leaving her behind.
Ahem! She said loudly, before putting her hands on her hips.
Ozwald turned around.

You
can walk!

A
gentleman always escorts his lady, Cobblepot. Scarlet stated. So
get back here!

Penguin
groaned, but headed back Fine! But dont ever say Im not
classy.

I
got something else Id like to say to ya! Zeke started, poking
his head out of the car.

Shut
it. Scarlet muttered. She dug into her black purse and pulled a
few thick stacks of dollar bills and tossed the money at Zeke Go
entertain yourselves. She ordered as Penguin lead her away But
no hooker! Ill call you when we need to be picked up.

Got
it! Zeke replied before closing the door and the limo driving off.

How
much did you give them? Ozzy asked

Few
thousand. She idly stated. Thatll keep them busy for a few
hours. They walked past the line, ignoring the gasps from the
patrons in line that the feared Penguin had joined the party. Hello,
Rocky. Scarlet said pleasantly as the bouncer lifted the velvet
rope out of the couples way and he replied Good to see ya,
boss.

The
inside was filled with jazz music played by real musicians playing on
an iceberg structure in the center surrounded by a pool with live
seals barking occasionally. The walls was painted to look like Arctic
mountains, with a large open area where dressed up diners with
sharing a dance with their partner while they waited for their food.

Passing
the waiters podium without hesitation, the two walked through the
waiting crowd. Scarlet broke the silence between them I hope you
like the theme. She smiled.

At
least I dont have to worry about sticking out by always wearing
formal. Penguin replied.

It
was
going to be another Savanna Lounge but I met you and changed the
theme. She stopped and jumped in front of Penguin. She knelt down
to his level and whispered I built a secret spot, a birds-eye
view, just for you and me.

Where?
Ozzy asked. Scarlet pointed to the top of the iceberg. Up there?

Ill
show you the staircase. She grabbed Penguins hand and started
pulling him forward.

What?
No escalator? Ozzy joked. Scarlet lead Ozzy to behind the iceberg.
She jumped over the plexiglass railing and landed on the iceberg
before opening a hidden swinging door that blocked the bottom on the
staircase up to the top from prying eyes. Ozzy jumped over the
railing and followed at his walking pace as Scarlet raced to the top.

Come
on, Ozzy! Hurry! She called, already half-way up.

Itll
still be there when I get there. The view isnt gonna go anywhere.
He answered. He could almost see Scarlet roll her eyes before she
climbed the rest of the way up.

When
Ozzy got to the top it was a open area with just a big table with a
white tablecloth over it, to fancy, expensive-looking chairs and a
feast for well more then two already set out for them. He joined
Scarlet at the railing. He looked down at the view but decided
Scarlets chest was more interesting. Nice view.

Yeah,
it should be. I paid for She looked at the man who was about a
whole head shorter then her and frowned.Up here, Cobblepot. She
put the side of a finger under his nearly impossibly long nose and
lifted his face up so he was looking in her bright green eyes.
Pervert. She sneered

Aww,
come on. Ozzy said as Scarlet walked back to the table. I was
just kidding. He followed her to the table and graciously poured
her and himself some wine. After all, he needed to keep her in good
graces. My first day as a free and sane man, and Im not allowed
to have some fun?

Remember,
this is your only Get-Out-Of-Arkham Free card, got that,
Penguin? Scarlet said becoming serious. You screw this up, no
amount of lawyers will get you out of the Cuckoos nest again. Not
like this city will fall for their tricks again. She took a sip of
wine as Oswald sat down to eat the smoked salmon in front of him.
Plus, Zeke and the others thought that it was a just waste of my
money.

Whats
their problem? Penguin asked, propping his feet up on the table.

The
guys dont know you very well. They like sticking in a tight-nit
little Pack. Scarlet explained. Theyre animals on two legs
basically. I just take care of em cause no one else can stand them
and their idiotic ways.

Too
bad you had to wait so long to meet a gentlemen like me. Penguin
replied, smiling with pride. Scarlet hid her small laugh with a swig
of her wine. What?

Nothing.
Scarlet quickly answered So… Are we officially going steady?

Any
psychotic ex-boyfriends I need to know about?

The
woman laughed kindly. You have no
idea. She said with a wide smiled

Well,
I guess it doesnt really matter. You dont seem to know when to
go away. Ozzy answered You even sent your own men to Arkham.

Hounder
and Buckshot? Oh, yeah. I had em pull a bank job and tell the
police the lion at the zoo demanded they appeased him with money.
Thought thatd put them in Arkham

A
toast to Arkham! Penguin said, raising his wine glass high May
it someday burn to the ground as I watch.

Tell
that to Bart. Hed gladly burn anything for you.

The
kid that framed me for Arson?

Scarlet
leaned on the table and said That was an accident. Its not
framing until its intended to frame you.

Kids
seriously screwed in the head.

Barts
smarter then his Dad!

No
kiddin?

Zekes
legally retarded. Scarlet told Ozzy. If he didnt live with
me, the feds would take Bart away because Zekes mentally unfit to
care for him. But we all have problems, even you and me.

Penguin
put his arm on the table. I though you paid that Lawyer to prove I
DIDNT
have problems!

Oh,
come on! Scarlet said we both know were insane. I know I
am! Im an Antisocial with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.
My butler, Julians Obsessive-Compulsive germ-phobic. Barts a
Pyromaniac, and Buckshot and Hounder are Paranoid schizophrenics.

Uh…
Penguin took a deep breath as said as calmly as he could And what
exactly
do you think I
have?

Delusions
of grandeur, irrational greed, glandular imbalances contributing to
you overweight-ness, narcissism invoked by that pampering mother of
yours who drank a bit too much wine during your growth in the womb
and felt guilty about it when you came out…

Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa! How the hell do you know all of that?!

Thats
classified. She instantly answered, but she apparently realized
her mistake and stuttered I… mean, uh, it was a… my.. F-Father
works in the police and told me about you when you first became the
Penguin. She muttered as she shied away for the first time since
Penguin met her. Ooh, I got you a new pet! She suddenly said
Under the table.

Penguin
got out of his seat and reached under to find a three large bird
cages covered in with blankets hidden under the table cloth. He put
them on the table top and yanked the covering off before grinning.
The first was a Red Hawk, the next was an extremely rare California
Condor, and surprisingly a breeding pair of Bald Eagles. How did

I
find and buy these beauties? Scarlet finished the eagles were
hard, but sadly, not hard enough for my tastes. The Native Americans
have not lost their touch to Americanization.

The
California Condors nearly extinct! Penguin told her Theres
only a few hundred or thousand left!

Bought
them from a California Zoo administrator who was lookin for a big
fat bonus chec

Scarlet
was cut off by screaming and soon laughter. The two animal lovers
looked down from the railing to see a man in a purple suit causing
the chaos. Old cellmate? Scarlet asked.

Joker.
Penguin specified.

Dude
could use a facial. The woman said. And a smack-down, wouldnt
you say? Se smiled.

Penguin
twirled his umbrella and flipped the knife out. Big time.

Good,
because I hate wearing dresses! Scarlet literally tore off the
white dress to show a startlingly bright orange cameo shirt and black
pants. She took off her high heels and slipped out her black combat
boots and clicked her two pouched belts around her waist. She pulled
the red mask out of a pocket and tied it in front of her eyes before
letting down and messing up her long black hair.

You
wore your crime outfit under your dress, Scarlet? Penguin asked

Well,
If I wore it over my dress, youd think I was weird. Scarlet
said And please refer to me as the Lioness, ok? She jumped on
the railing and flipped to the musicians area below.

Joker
smiled wide as he looked around the restaurant that was quickly being
abandoned Now, where, oh, where has that waddling bird gone? He
asked in a little song oh, where, oh, where could he be? He put
a hand over his eyes as if that would help him see better.

A
thud behind him. He turned to see the Lioness on all fours, only an
inch or so from the ground giving off a growl.ooh Joker liked
the murderous look on her and said Hello, beautiful. Nice outfit.

Lioness
stood up as Penguins umbrella-copter landed him next to her. Ah!
And theres the man of the hour!

Look
here, clownie, Penguin said I

Lioness
held her arm out in front of him Ill handle this. She
muttered. Look here, Clownie, She started Its time for
you to take your scrawny ass outta here. This turf belongs to The
Lioness!

You
must be new around Gotham, cause I havent see you around Arkham
He laughed And yet, youre oddly familiar. Have I ever
threatened you before?

Whatever
you want, the answer is No. She snarled.

Aw,
cant let a clown get a word in edgewise? Joker said. Actually,
Its a very petty matter concerning that funny little lawyer that
finally
made the justice system entertaining.

Sasha?
Penguin asked what about her?

I
was thinking if that bird-brain can get a free-pass out of Arkham
why not me?!

Hon,
Scarlet laughed aint no-one
gonna prove youre sane! Or want to! Plus, you havent really
lived up to your Joker name yet.

Oh,
really? He darkly asked

Heres
joke for you: Knock, knock.

Oh!
Whos there?

Smellmop.

Smellmop
who? The Lioness started laughing loudly, catching the comedian
off guard. Hey, whats so funny?! You didnt say the punch
line yet!

Say
what you just said slowly in your head.. She snickered. When Joker
gave an angry growl, she knew he got exactly what the joke was.

Oh,
thats sick, Scarl.Penguin stopped

Ix-nay
on the ames-nay, Penguin. Oh, I mean, enguin-Pay Lioness warned in
Pig Latin. She turned to Joker and said You dont want this to
turn into a Battle of Humor, because it was be a bloodbath for you.

You
doubt MY
comic genius?! Joker asked

Oh,
I am SO
doubting your comic genius! The argument stopped as Penguin puled
up a nearby chair and sat in it What cha up to, Penguin?

Unless
something interesting happens, Im gonna sit down and watch this.
He stated. Scar looked at is and shrugged. Without warning, she spun
around and punched Joker right in the face, sending him sprawled on
the floor.

Was
that enough action for ya? She asked her companion.

No,
but still, I enjoyed it. Penguin smiled.

Joker
gave a slightly pained grunt as he got up and rubbed his chin. Ooh,
big, big , BIG mistake, sweetheart. He chuckled. Penguin got out
of his seat.

Thats
MY girl, youre talkin to!

Boys,
boys! Scarlet said Theres plenty of me to go around… But
dont let that stop you from killing each other cause Id love
to see that!

A
mans gotta please his lady. Penguin sneered as his umbrellas
blade popped out. Joker smiled and produced two hands of razor sharp
joker cards from his sleeve. The Lioness sat back in Penguins
seat.

Clown
versus Freak show… She declared Let the circus begin!

Freak
show?! Penguin yelled.

Watch
it!

Penguin
looked behind him and swung the blade in time to cut three razor
cards in half. Right in time to receive Jokers foot to his chest.
Penguin slid on the well-waxed floor in but quickly got up. He
favors his legs, Scarlet coached now that they were closer Go
for those and you can pin im.

What
are you–? Lioness growled and tackle Oz forward to the ground as
Joker landed behind them.

Oh,
give me that! She snarled as she forcefully yanked the umbrella
out of Penguins hands and twisted off the birds head, letting
the top blade pop out. Lets dance, Bozo. She grinned with
evil pleasure. The Lioness pulled the bird head father and whipped it
and the chain across the room which Joker avoided by flipping
backwards onto a table.

How
does she know how to use that? Penguin asked in an unbelieving
daze.

Joker
reached into his purple jacket and laughed to himself. In his hand
was a rubber chicken with blinking red eyes. As the woman ran at him,
he threw the bomb and jumped back. She managed to not only jump over
the blast by land behind the Clown.

She
swiftly turned around and nailed another punch in his jaw, sending
him staggering back. Rubber chickens? she asked the man who
took a few steps back. Scarlet pushed a button on the umbrella and
suddenly the chain retracted into the body. Seriously? She
laughed Ya know, for a clown, youre not that funny…

Maybe
you just dont have a sense of humor. He said. He had seriously
miscalculated this womans fighting skills. Now, he had to buy time
with talk.

Yeah,
whats next? Scarlet sneered in sarcasm Pie to my face?
Squirting seizer?

Those
are classics! Joker declared

Classic
has-beens! She growled. I dont need a degree in psychology
to know youre just an unfunny man who thinks he can make people
laugh just because he took an acid bath and turned into a permanent
clown…. Jackie…

Joker
gasped. An Honest-to-God gasp of astonishment Amy Spades? He
asked, squinting a little to get a good look at her face as she came
closer.

Its
The Lioness now, Napier! She growled. And you had
your chance! An unseen blow later, and Joker groaned as he hit the
ground hard. Scarlet reached into one of her pockets and, strangely
enough, pulled out a pair of handcuffs before flipping Joker on his
stomach and cuffing him.

After
all that time we spent together? Joker said, nearly pleading…
nearly. You wouldnt turn in an old partner in crime, would you?
Not after I taught you everything you know?

An
partner? No. The Lioness answered in monotone. A traitor like
you? Yes.
Penguin walked up to her side. Scarlet put her boot on Jokers head
and said Here ya go. as she handed the short man his weapon
back.

How
did you know how to use this? He asked suspiciously

I,
uh… She rubbed the back of her neck, stood on Jokers back,
and said I… broke into the Arkham Personal Effects room and,
uh… Stole one?

Penguin
groaned and said I dont so much question how you got in and out
of Arkham as much as I question why Im still surprised by you…
He told her before walking to the door.

Where
ya goin? She yelled to him

Why
should I tell you?
He yelled back You seem to know everything else
about me!

Scarlet
sighed and snapped her fingers. A growl came down the steps to the
second story of the restaurant and the animals jumped in front of
Penguin. You didnt officially meet Kovu, have you?

Boy,
did he
got big. Joker muttered.

Kovu
was a full grown adult African lion with a dark mud brown color with
hints of red and a large well-groomed black mane. The three other
females were brownish-gold in fur color. Kovu snarled loudly to make
Oswald back from the door as the lionesses stepped forward as if they
had cornered fresh prey. Ozzy, Scarlet said This is my pet,
Kovu. Kovu, meet Ozzy.

Kovu
jumped at Penguin, sending him falling to the ground, before putting
a thick, heavy paw on the bird-mans throat. Ignoring Penguins
justified fear, Kovu sniffed around his face as the females sniffed
his sleeves. The lion grunted in displeasure but stepped off Penguin
before sitting. Oswald sat up to see more lionesses walking down the
steps towards him

Aint
Kovu just the nicest lion you ever met? Scarlet asked, as the
fierce lion trotted up next to her and rubbed against her leg.

Havent
met many lions before… Ozzy muttered. So, Im guessing
theyre why you call yourself The Lioness?

Yup,
I lived in Africa for most of my Teens and found him all alone as a
defenseless cub. Reminded me of myself.

Penguins
stood up, but the lions seemed to be circling loosely around him as
if he were a threat. How does an abandoned animal remind you of
you exactly? The womans smile vanished and she hung her head in
shame.

I
was… When I…. She put a hand over her eyes for a second before
saying You dont really
need to know, do you?

You
havent answer a single question about yourself since we met!
Penguin yelled. Suddenly, the lions were roaring and standing in
front of Scarlet, ready to attack.

Guys,
relax. the woman muttered. The pride of lions growled, but laid
down, eyeing the Penguins every move. I know Ive been vague
about… everything. I dont want you sucked into my awful little
life but.. If you want answers, Ill answer. She leaned in a
little closer and said But not in front of my Ex, kay?

The
lionss ears suddenly perked up and turned to the door. Seconds
later, the door was kicked open and five policemen with guns ran in.
Penguin took a few steps back but Scarlet put a hand on his shoulder.
Dont act fearful. She whispered It makes you look guilty
of something.

Four
of the police went over to secure Joker as the fifth walked up to the
two villains. You have anything to do with this? He asked,
glaring at Penguin. Kovu snarled at the stranger. HOLY!

Its
ok, hes trained! The Lioness quickly said.

The
policemen calmed down somewhat before looking at Scarlet Why are
you wearing a mask?

She
though for a moment and answered Why arent you
wearing one?

Because
Im not psychotic! He answered

Being
psychotic isnt a crime; acting on it is. Plus, masks are the in
fashion, dont you know? Scarlet told him Batmans got one,
Riddler, Firefly, Ragdoll, uh…

Catwoman?
Penguin offered.

Yeah,
her too. Lets see, who else?

I-I
get it. The cop said And is he
involved? he asked, pointing to Penguin

He
defended this place against Joker, since Batman apparently didnt
feel like coming out tonight. The Lioness smiled He turned from
villain to hero in one night.

The
policemen looked at Penguin for a minute as Joker was escorted out.
Just keep your beak clean. He muttered before exiting.

Like
I havent heard that one since the second grade… Ozzy
grumbled. Now, I believe you have answers to give me? He turned
to Scarlet.

Fine,
follow me. She said plainly as she turned to the kitchen. I
have another surprise for you.